Lying is bad. Or so we are told constantly from birth. Honesty is the best policy, the truth shall set you free, I chopped down the cherry tree. Whatever. The fact is, lying is a necessity. We lie to ourselves because the truth... the truth freaking hurts.

When will I wake up and realize that lying to myself is the worse thing that I can do? Probably when I fall smack on my face and realize it is time to make that part of my life grow up or move on.

Will & Grace

So I'm bored out of my mind (waiting for midnight because it is Kristina's birthday and I am corny as hell and want to call her to wish her a wonderful birthday) and watching Will & Grace reruns. Well obviously with so many television channels there is nothing else to watch. Do not get me wrong, I absolutely love W&G, but I have watched this episode at least 5 million times, ok, that is a lie, I really stopped counting after about 3, but I guess its about that number, give or take a few million. So this little convo just went on :

Karen: 'Oh I want a drag name, give me a drag name.'
Drag Queen: 'OK sugar, here's how you do it. Take the name of your first pet and the first street you lived on.'
Karen: 'Shu-Shu Fontana. Oh, it's cute. Honey, honey come here. What would your name be?'
Jack: 'Glen 125th.'

So mine would be Spikey New York Ave. Wow, weird in so many ways.

Oh honey, I got a fake laugh with your name all over it.

I finished reading two very different books today, Milton's Paradise Lost and C. McCullers's The Heart is a Lonely Hunter. Milton's poem is very well-known, at least for those with a minimal amount of knowledge in literature, and this was my first personal encounter with it. I am unsure of what to say, as a literature appreciator it was one of the best books I have ever read, as a woman, what the hell??? Of course it was all Eve’s fault, she was weak, did not have courage, fell so easily, of course. Sure, Adam had nothing to with it, damn Eve, born out of one of his ribs, if only it were a rib on the right side instead of the evil left side. Milton, I love you really I do, but I would so bitch slap you right now. On the plus side of the fall, Adam is so very romantic right before he falls as well. This is one of my favorite parts in the book:

Some cursed fraud
Of enemy hath beguiled thee, yet unknown,
And me with thee hath ruined; for with thee
Certain my resolution is to die:
How can I live without thee! how forego
Thy sweet converse, and love so dearly joined,
To live again in these wild woods forlorn!
Should God create another Eve, and I
Another rib afford, yet loss of thee
Would never from my heart; no no, I feel
The Link of Nature draw me: flesh of flesh,
Bone of my bone thou art, and from thy state
Mine never shall be parted, bliss or woe.

I find it rather romantic, although a few lines later he is comparing her to Satan, I can ignore that if I reread these thirteen lines. Moving on from romantic to philosophical. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter is an particularly remarkable book because it was written by a 23 year old woman. It is a very well-written glimpse into race and ethical concerns in the south during the 30s. The ending of the book was ideal, I cannot imagine a better way to end a story such as this one.

For in a swift radiance of illumination he saw a glimpse of human struggle and of valor. Of the endless fluid passage of humanity through endless time. And of those who labor and of those who – one word – love. … The left eye dwelved narrowly into the past gazed wide and affrighted into a future of blackness, error and ruin. And he was suspended between radiance and darkness. Between bitter irony and faith.

Meaning

How I wish I could surrender my soul;

Shed the clothes that become my skin;

See the liar that burns within my needing.

How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.

How I wish I had screamed out loud,

Instead I've found no meaning.

Is that what I search for? Is that what I cannot find? Meaning. Maybe it is not only my mind that is lost, but meaning. Did I lose that along the way? Did I trip during my journey and let it slip into the gutter? Or is it simply hidden within my mind?
Why? Does the answer to that one word become the answer to everything? Is that how I find it all? Does it become the light at the end of the tunnel? Does it lead to the answer that will free me, that will bring me peace, that will ease the pain...

I need something to happen. I just need a sign. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope, and in the absence of hope, I need to stay in bed and feel like I might die today

Owww

As doctors, as friends, as human beings, we all try to do the best we can. But the world is full of unexpected twists and turns. Just when you’ve gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you shifts. It knocks you off your feet. If youre lucky, you end up with nothing more than a flesh wound, something a band-aid will cover. But some wounds are deeper than they first appear, and require more than just a quick fix. With some wounds, you have to rip of the band-aid, let them breathe and give them time to heal...

RRRIIIPPP...owww...now heal...