Cereal and Sprinkles

Since my highly engrossing lifestyle allows me eons of idiot box time I have become more acquianted with all that is available on cable television. While I sometimes wonder how many direct hits to the head he took as a child, and if his hair is real, Conan O'Brien has been able to make me laugh quite a bit every once in a while.
"Earlier tonight, President Bush had dinner with the president of Pakistan and the president of Afghanistan. And tomorrow, the president will have breakfast with Count Chocula and Captain Crunch."
While I admit I am not a fan of either sugar-gorged cereal I wonder why no one else was invited to that meeting. I am pretty sure many cavity-infested children would love to meet the Count and Captain Crunch, but noooo, Bush is so egotistical...

Of course Conan was nice enough to make me laugh some more with this gem:
"President Bush had dinner with the president of Pakistan and the president of Afghanistan. The president of Pakistan claimed Osama bin Laden is hiding in Afghanistan, the president of Afghanistan said Osama's in Pakistan and President Bush said, 'I like sprinkles on my ice cream.'"
The only thing that bothers me about this line is that I am an actual fan of sprinkles on my ice cream, but now I shudder to think I have something in common with that paramount of human stupidity. I am giving serious thought to giving up sprinkles forever, sigh...

Well the title of my last post was “It has been a while,” so I should title this one “It has been a lot longer while.” I have not been on here in quite a bit, not for lack of time, for I have an abundance of time, but for lack of, shall I say, inspiration. Boredom has yet to set in, but feelings of absolute uselessness have. When I was in school and working I wished for a few minutes of nothing, time where I could just stop and do nothing, think of nothing. Well, now I have all this nothing time and I want to scream. I admit I am a nerd at heart, I feel ineffective without being in school (and I shudder as I write this, but I miss the asylum that was my job, ahhhhhhh). I ran away from my daily stress and headaches to create new ones, because I feel an empty hole where they used to reside. I guess I am more content on the brink of a mental breakdown than when I have nothing to do. Am I odd? Oh yes, more than words can describe (and most mental practitioners as well). So now I await the 10th of next month when I begin a course in Russian language and culture (I guess I did enjoy the torture the first time around, so I have chosen to continue with it). So now that I have brought everyone up to par with my mental state, I shall leave you with the lyrics of a song I have been enjoying quite a bit,



The Fray’s “How to Save a Life”

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

It has been a while...

So I really have not been here in some time. Between working full-time and getting things ready for my trip, I have been losing my mind (well, honestly, that is my delusional side, thinking that there is actually something left of my mind, truthfully, it is soooo far gone). So yeah, moving is a horrible, terrible feat. A feat, yes, because one must feel so very accomplished once it is done. I simply wonder how in the world I own so many clothes, where did they come from, where have they been??? My theory is that a hole opened up and ate them, and when I decided it was time to start packing the hole reopened and they all came back. Good theory, or I believe it is. Packing is also slightly exciting, because I cannot wait to go. Yet, the fears are always there, next to the anticipation. I will miss my family, my friends, my co-workers, my job (in a horribly twisted way), but that is life.

I've heard that it’s possible to grow up, I've just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend, in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic, against all experience, like children, we never give up hope. I guess we're adults. The question is, when did that happen, and how do we make it stop?

Graduation

I want to thank all those involved, in one way or another, in the most important day of my life.

Jeff - You have been the best brother I could ever ask for. You are amazing, even when you piss me off. I am so unbelievably proud of the person you have become, and one day I will be going to your graduation. Thank you for being there on my day, thank you for all the support and your beautiful words (shocking, lol). Love you.

I could never thank my parents and my grandparents enough. My parents especially, did absolutely everything to make this day the best day in my life. The pride I saw in there eyes was more than enough to make me happy.

I will cherish every moment of yesterday for the rest of my life. Thank you to all those not mentioned here, if you were involved in some way, I thank you and wish to some day repay your kindness...

Another NJ quote, love it!

I'm from New Jersey. I curse a lot. I never had school on Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur. I sure as hell dont pump my own gas. I know what real pizza tastes like, and I know that a bagel is more than a roll with a hole in the middle. All good nights usually end at a diner, preferably w/ fries. It's a sub, not a hoagie or worse, a hero, and I wash it down with soda, not pop. Two words: mother fucker. And I don't go to the beach-I go down the shore. I judge people by what exit they are off the parkway. I know 65 mph really means 80. When someone cuts me off, they get the horn and the finger.. and they expect it. I'm from New Jersey, and I fucking love this place.

Oh my, I'm done... No more tests, no more papers, no more enforced readings, no more midterms or finals. I cannot believe it...pinching myself... OK, so now what? Supposedly this is the transition into the "real world". So what exactly is this "real world"? Have I been living in a fake world? So when they give me my diploma next week, do they take me to the side and say "Hey, now that you have made it, we have to tell you the truth. You have been living in a mock world. Welcome to the real world!" At which point I am supposed to answer "Oh, thank you so much for elucidating me! So I just spent all these years of my life and all this money to realize that this is not the real world? Ok, so now do I get my money back?"

Last Day!!!

I cannot believe I have made it here, today is the last day of finals!!! I honestly do not think I could last another day, I have been in freak study mode for the last week and I am about to fall over. For those who have put up with me for the last couple of weeks, you are the best. For those who thought I was so difficult, well sucks for you, because I do not forget nor will I forgive.

With reasonable men I will reason; with humane men I will plea; but to tyrants I will give no quarter, nor waste arguments where they will certainly be lost.

On a much happier note, tonight I will be inducted into the Golden Key International Honour Society! It is a great accomplishment for me, and if nothing else, it is a result of my hard work. One again for those of you who have shared this with me, and have been truly happy for me, thank you.

The happiness of a [person] in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions.

New Jersey!!!

I just read this and I loved it!!! So what if New Jersey is called the Garden State because Oil and Petrochemical Refinery State did not fit on the license plates (thank you to Miss Congeniality for that one, I love that movie- oh and she obviously is Miss New Jersey in the pageant). Ah and yes the Statue of Liberty has been ruled to be on New Jersey territory, so take that New York (sticking my tongue out at the computer screen- my mind is so gone, I know).

The Jersey girl has a love of an unpretentious good time, and a certain sense of style. Jersey girls are about attitude. They're about eating pizza, drinking beer, having great hair - and enjoying it all. She's got a mouth on her. She says what she means. And she's got a nice, cheerful laugh. Bottom line, all of them are sexy as hell.

Graduation

Ah yes, the day nears!!! Only 5 more finals, 3 papers, 13 days, 21 hours, 49 minutes and 38 seconds...

So I have not been here in a while, the 10 things I have to do every minute of every day keep me from having the time to type up just a few lines. Finals are hell, and whoever thought of them should rot in the flames of hell for all eternity, or something of that nature. So here I am writing what seems to be like the millionth paper today (in actuality it is only the second on this fabulous day) and of course I must take a break.
I actually came to read a paper written by one of Miguel's friends, that he recommended, which was nothing shy of brilliant. It was an amazing paper on feminism, which was able to merge humor with all the seriousness of the topic. As a great appreciator of all types of writing I must say that it was one of the absolute best papers I have ever read, applause.
I am taking a break from writing a paper on a gravely depressing book, The Pawnbroker. I have also seen the movie adaptation and to say it falls short does not even hit the tip of the iceberg. There is no way a movie can ever truly depict the dismal, extremely painful scenes in this book. So of course, it is quote time! (Cut me some slack, my brain if fried) One of my favorite scenes in the book is an interaction between the main character and a woman who is hoping for a relationship with him, but he is too dead inside to care.
"My dear Miss Birchfield, how touchingly naïve you still are, you discovered loneliness, you found that life was unjust and cruel. What an astounding accomplishment! And with commendable humility you say that I might despise your suffering, that it might seem less dramatic than my own. Very well⎯but let me try to make some sense to you. There is this, my dear sociologist. People who have ‘suffered’ in your little world may or may not become bitter, depending, perhaps, on the state of their digestive system or whether they were weaned to early in infancy. But wait, this you have not considered. There is a world so different in scale that its emotions bear no resemblance to yours; it has emotions so different in degree that they have become a different species! I am not bitter, Miss Birchfield; I am past that by a million years! Bitter, why should you say that? Do you hear me curse people? Have I delivered a diatribe on the evils of fascism, the infamies of Hitler? Do not be silly. I am a man with no anger and no desire for vengeance. I concentrate on what makes sense to me, that is all. I want nothing at all but peace and quiet."

Lying is bad. Or so we are told constantly from birth. Honesty is the best policy, the truth shall set you free, I chopped down the cherry tree. Whatever. The fact is, lying is a necessity. We lie to ourselves because the truth... the truth freaking hurts.

When will I wake up and realize that lying to myself is the worse thing that I can do? Probably when I fall smack on my face and realize it is time to make that part of my life grow up or move on.

Will & Grace

So I'm bored out of my mind (waiting for midnight because it is Kristina's birthday and I am corny as hell and want to call her to wish her a wonderful birthday) and watching Will & Grace reruns. Well obviously with so many television channels there is nothing else to watch. Do not get me wrong, I absolutely love W&G, but I have watched this episode at least 5 million times, ok, that is a lie, I really stopped counting after about 3, but I guess its about that number, give or take a few million. So this little convo just went on :

Karen: 'Oh I want a drag name, give me a drag name.'
Drag Queen: 'OK sugar, here's how you do it. Take the name of your first pet and the first street you lived on.'
Karen: 'Shu-Shu Fontana. Oh, it's cute. Honey, honey come here. What would your name be?'
Jack: 'Glen 125th.'

So mine would be Spikey New York Ave. Wow, weird in so many ways.

Oh honey, I got a fake laugh with your name all over it.

I finished reading two very different books today, Milton's Paradise Lost and C. McCullers's The Heart is a Lonely Hunter. Milton's poem is very well-known, at least for those with a minimal amount of knowledge in literature, and this was my first personal encounter with it. I am unsure of what to say, as a literature appreciator it was one of the best books I have ever read, as a woman, what the hell??? Of course it was all Eve’s fault, she was weak, did not have courage, fell so easily, of course. Sure, Adam had nothing to with it, damn Eve, born out of one of his ribs, if only it were a rib on the right side instead of the evil left side. Milton, I love you really I do, but I would so bitch slap you right now. On the plus side of the fall, Adam is so very romantic right before he falls as well. This is one of my favorite parts in the book:

Some cursed fraud
Of enemy hath beguiled thee, yet unknown,
And me with thee hath ruined; for with thee
Certain my resolution is to die:
How can I live without thee! how forego
Thy sweet converse, and love so dearly joined,
To live again in these wild woods forlorn!
Should God create another Eve, and I
Another rib afford, yet loss of thee
Would never from my heart; no no, I feel
The Link of Nature draw me: flesh of flesh,
Bone of my bone thou art, and from thy state
Mine never shall be parted, bliss or woe.

I find it rather romantic, although a few lines later he is comparing her to Satan, I can ignore that if I reread these thirteen lines. Moving on from romantic to philosophical. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter is an particularly remarkable book because it was written by a 23 year old woman. It is a very well-written glimpse into race and ethical concerns in the south during the 30s. The ending of the book was ideal, I cannot imagine a better way to end a story such as this one.

For in a swift radiance of illumination he saw a glimpse of human struggle and of valor. Of the endless fluid passage of humanity through endless time. And of those who labor and of those who – one word – love. … The left eye dwelved narrowly into the past gazed wide and affrighted into a future of blackness, error and ruin. And he was suspended between radiance and darkness. Between bitter irony and faith.

Meaning

How I wish I could surrender my soul;

Shed the clothes that become my skin;

See the liar that burns within my needing.

How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.

How I wish I had screamed out loud,

Instead I've found no meaning.

Is that what I search for? Is that what I cannot find? Meaning. Maybe it is not only my mind that is lost, but meaning. Did I lose that along the way? Did I trip during my journey and let it slip into the gutter? Or is it simply hidden within my mind?
Why? Does the answer to that one word become the answer to everything? Is that how I find it all? Does it become the light at the end of the tunnel? Does it lead to the answer that will free me, that will bring me peace, that will ease the pain...

I need something to happen. I just need a sign. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope, and in the absence of hope, I need to stay in bed and feel like I might die today

Owww

As doctors, as friends, as human beings, we all try to do the best we can. But the world is full of unexpected twists and turns. Just when you’ve gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you shifts. It knocks you off your feet. If youre lucky, you end up with nothing more than a flesh wound, something a band-aid will cover. But some wounds are deeper than they first appear, and require more than just a quick fix. With some wounds, you have to rip of the band-aid, let them breathe and give them time to heal...

RRRIIIPPP...owww...now heal...

Helppppp

Errr...attempting to write a paper...noooo...Vanity Fair...809 pages...help...tears...no more quotes please...what MLA style...rules...nooo...sobbing now...why didn't i do this yesterday...damn procrastination...beautiful day outside today, sun, birds chirping, leaves growing and I am stuck in the library...brain overload again...errr...help

Tears and Rain

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;

Hold memory close at hand,

Help me understand the years.

How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.

How I wish I would save my soul.

I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,

All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
***

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your head.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.

I have been quite addicted to James Blunt’s Back to Bedlam, it is really quite wonderful. Well the truth is, it is a bit depressing, but since things have not been exactly blissful lately, it suits my mood flawlessly. These are from two of my favorite songs and I can relate to them completely.

On a happy note only 5 more weeks of classes!!! Within those exclamation points lie an assortment of feelings: happiness, exhilaration, pleasure, fear, anxiety, dread… This is what I have worked so incredibly hard for, but how can it be over? This is me: learning, school, knowledge, stress (lol) what am I going to do once it is truly done? Yet, with graduation day almost upon me I am so ecstatic, can I have truly made it? Only 53 days, 0 hours, 10 minutes and 26 seconds to go…

Spring Break is officially over

I watched a movie last night, Walkout, about the Chicano community in the US. For those of you whose fabulous education did not enlighten this matter (that is just about everyone) Mexican Americans are Chicanos, WTF, yes the same thoughts went through my mind, but ok…So I get to be called a Chop because I am a Portuguese American…hmmm, that is nice…

Ok so spring break is now over, oh the thought! Which means I must stop being lazy and do some school work, sniff, sniff. (Some will be glad to know my debauchery was extremely limited, well Friday night was...ripping lol) It is so sad, I am such a procrastinator, yesterday I attempted to write a paper, an oh so interesting one (as they all are), and I was only able to write one page (in four hours!!!). Why??? Well, simply because I know it is not due until Tuesday. My mind blocks out any form of intelligent thought and I cannot write a decent paper, unless it is due in an insanely short amount of time. So when will I be able to write the remaining 6 pages? The hour before it is due, strange, insane, yes it is, but then so am I…

Oh my, it's me!!!

Well hello there, although you must already know me if you have made it here, my name is Jennifer (thank you mom and dad, you have given me a name I can live with). So, why am I here? Well, for a few reasons. Hey everyone's doing it and I want to be cool (haha, that is not true, I'm not much of a follower, unless you count that time...). I like to write, not always, only when I am "in the mood," writing helps clear my mind and my soul (honestly my mind is so far gone,and my soul, where did I put that the last time I used it? Hmmmm). I have many interests and have decided to use this fabulously innovative technology to regurgitate my thoughts on a number of those interests. For those of you who don’t like literature, make your escape now, because I will be writing extensively on that subject (Jeff literature means books so leave now, quickly…). The last thing I am going to add is an explanation of the name I chose for my blog because I know I am going to get many questions about that. So lets clear that up, negative capability is a term that was introduced by Keats in one of his letters, “I mean Negative Capability, that is when man is capable of being in uncertainties, Mysteries, doubts without any irritable reaching after fact & reason.” "Being in uncertainty” lies somewhere between the everyday mundane and complete certainty and the various prospectives of a more effusive existence. Explanation please, sure, Keats believed that people have the capability to recognize that there are things that simply cannot be resolved and therefore understood. That is it for now, for those of you who have gotten this far (applause) thanks...